How much can you take?

I have just come home from a evening of volonteer work. A meeting which was supposed to be in one hour, became three hours. Everyone were frustated due to the lack of food and the late night, but what made me more eager to scream as high as i wanted, was the lack of respect for the collegues work. Let me tell you from the beginng. This organisation i work with is a volonteer work for a sport which we all love. Everyone in this organisation have some dutis and responsibilities which we all work hard with. The lack of knowledge is there, i cannot say anything else but usually  a organisation can work fine with a good amount of respect for eachother. Here is the problem though – some people just do not respect some of us. To take so much crap after so much VOLONTEER work, i cannot understand that i do not dare to just say fuck it, and leave. It is not that volonteer work means less concentration, less time or that people does not care as much about the result, it is just that volonteer work should be fun and enjoyable and mine is not!

After a ”good” start at the meeting today, getting critisized for everything i do, i really do not feel like staying. Should i maybe take the critisism as a way of getting better in what i do, cuz maybe i am just very unsecure and sensitive OR should i find dirt about the collegues mistreated responsibility and treat them as they treated me and then resign from my duty?

What ever i do, some other will suffer – but seriously, how much crap should i take from my collegues (who think they know what i am doing and that they can do it better when they do not even know the rules of the sport)?

I am losing the trust of humanity!

no time for glory

The season have not yet started and i am so tired already. To many phone calls, to much problems and so many, if you excuse me, stupid questions. I love my sport, but come on, why destroy the glory of it? I really do not like to be angry, irritated on my collegues etcetera – but this year…it feels like i am that all the time. Does this means that i am starting to lose my love to the sport? How long will i manage to keep up the happy smile, when im tired already and when i am fully booked till february? Every weekend from september till february, except in december due to the holiday. Will i lose my head or will everything be better after this first weekend of competition? I really hope i will manage to keep the happy smile alive, cuz there is loads of weekends till the end of february. I am constantly stressed and worried for the competition, and it is not that i dont know everything will work out fine in the end, but i am stressed cuz i do not have time for anything else. My studies is going bad, i have not seen my family since more than 2 weeks ago, and my friends – i do not even know if they are still in town? I could have lived in Malta for all i know – i dont meet my near and dear ones anyway. So the question at the moment is – Can i live with this kind of life for long?

10 years of experience

When i was talking to my friend the other day i got to answer the question – what have you been doing the last couple of years? This question is of course an open question, you tell the friend what you want and you can rise some events more cheerful and erase some more negative events. When i had answered the question, my friend was just sitting in front of me with huge eyes, in a kind of schocked state saying- You have done so much!

When she said this, it stroked me, that i actually might have done a lot more than other human beings, but i have not yet done half of what i always wanted to do! My CV is filled with different kinds of work experience, some more preferred than others and all from various different types of jobs. This was the thing that my friend was so amazed off, my work experience. She is a couple of years younger than me and have just had 2 different positions in her life. I in another hand started to work occasionally when i was 16 and since then i had so many different positions in so many different companies. To mention a few, i have been a shop assistant (in a toyshop, photograph shop, candy shop, decoration shop), shop manager, waitress (an awful one though), Jaegermeister sales girl-bartender, hamburger maker and seller, kinder- garden teacher, custom service agent, kiosk assistant (7eleven), babysitter, figure skating coach, figure skating judge, project manager for a youth festival, project manager during a youth football tournament, archaeologist, organiser, volunteer against homophobia, discrimination etcetera and so on.

I actually have done so much compared to that friend of mine – but what is a little bit frightening and what makes you start thinking of the future is that i want to do so much more and try so much more exited jobs. The big question rises – will i ever be satisfied with any job?

the ruling law

The couple of months i have been back in Sweden have been turbulent. If my friends and family have not been sick, i have, and from the start of January i have been sick so many times. And of course i can explain why i am sick in this kind of weather etcetera, which we have up here in the north, but i cannot really explain why i always get so sick, when i have visitors in town?

My life have always been following Murphy’s law,  ”Anything that can go wrong will go wrong”, and so it does! No wonder i feel like (and probably act like) a lost and confused chicken sometimes, there are always something going wrong which pulls me from following the swedish norms and rules. For an example, if i take an earlier bus to work, i will be late! It always happens, which of course is annoying like hell, but after a couple of times, it just makes me smile – because there is no point of getting stressed or angry when you learned the law which rules you!

Anyway, to get back to where i started. This week that pasted and this week which just started was and will be a week with a lot of visitors from all over Europe. What of course happens then, is that I get some bacteria etcetera and gets ill. On all huge gatherings and celebrations lately, i have been sick which makes me wonder – is Murphy’s law even ruling when it comes to happy moments, which you would do anything to be a part of?

Well, i am at least pretty sure of that after this year of missing all funny things and missing all the moments to be able to enjoy the company of my dearest friends – So to emphasizes the law that is ruling my life, at the moment – ”Whatever can go wrong will go wrong, and at the worst possible time, in the worst possible way.”

I am sick off being sick!

När slantarna tar slut, vad gör man då?

Nu är slantarna snart slut och ytterligare en månad väntar i missär. Sarkastiskt skulle man kunna säga att jag längtar efter en månad med mycket mindre mat än vad en diabetikar ska äta, sämre kvalitee på maten samt en ofantligt massa snyltande på nära och kära. Så vad gör man när slantarna trynar, då jag inte varit så smart nog någonsin att gå med i facket och betalt min A-kassa, så ryker det alternativet och då jag inte tagit ut min examen än, kan jag inte få alfa-kassa eller vad det korrekta namnet är på det bidrag man kan få som färdigutbildad student utan jobb. Jag kan inte säga att jag ens tänkt tanken att gå till Socialen, då jag faktiskt om någon månad kommer få mitt studiebidrag igen och jag skulle behöva må mycket sämre än vad jag gör idag (otroligt att det kan vara möjligt!) för att vända mig dit. Detta betyder ju att det finns lösningar och ljusglimtar i mitt (nuförtiden) gråaliv. Min familj och vänner är förstås de som håller mig stark och pushar på min överlevnadskamp, därefter är ankomsten av min lön som jag kämpat in denna månad, samt är den jättesena skatteåterbäringen något som jag kan glädjas åt. Till sist, om jag ville, skulle jag kunna åka tillbaka till Malta och börja jobba där igen. Och om inte plan A fungerar, vilket innebär överlev i en av världens dyraste länder med familjen nära, så får jag ta plan B: åk till Medelhavet, tjäna pengarna, lev, njut och anpassa mina relationer med nära och kära till situationen. Vad annat kan man göra när pengarna tryter?

En tuff sommar

Usch! Denna sommar är den svåraste på länge. Svårast ekonomiskt och överlevnadsvis. Det känns som om man bara tigger och har blivit ett socialfall som inte kan få ordning på ens inkomster. Jag har också känslan över att folk tror jag och min pojkvän spenderar våra pengar på strunt, det vill säga de få pengar vi har, de skulle bara veta att vi inte kunnat unna oss någonting sedan i Marsmånad. Vilket bara det är svårt i denna spenderar kultur och i detta samhälle där allt kostar pengar. Jag vill inte att mina vänner och familj ska tycka synd om mig, då mår jag inte bättre. Även fast jag säger rätt ut att jag inte kan gå ut och ta en öl etc för att jag inte har några pengar, så innebär inte det att jag söker uppmärksamhet och sympati. Visst mina vänner och familj har varit underbara, det är möjligtvis så att det är jag själv som känner att jag snyltar på folk konstant. Men den känslan är så tråkig och jobbig att känna, jag vill inte vara en snyltare! Jag vill erbjuda folk en god middag, jag vill bjuda på en drink, jag vill vara generös….det är bara det att jag inte kan just nu! Det är så förbaskat tråkigt att vara fattig och inkomstlös och jag längtar tills studieterminens start – nästan lite för mycket!

what the heat can do

Something really weird happened the other day. We all know in Sweden, that at the moment the weather is amazing. The sun is shining and the heat is almost umbarable – but still, we have a real summer. What is weird in the moment is that I have lived in a country with almost constant heat during summers and Inever ever ended up in this situation which I ended up in over here in Sweden. I fainted, on the tram, on my way to the beach. It was crazy. There I was, chatting with my little brother, cramped inbetween loads of people. Sweating like a pig and suddenly I just want to throw up on the ladie sitting below me. I, of course tried to avoid that and suddenly I realize that my eyes were flickering and I started to have cold sweat running down my face and hard to breath. I grabbed my brother and told him, I am fainting now! We tried to get of the tram as fast as possible and finally we manage and I sat down in the grass just recovering. Of course, one would ask if my diabetes was bad, due to my condition. But everything was good with that part. It must have been lack of air! It is not a wonder that I fainted, becasue so many people in Gothenburg do this every year, you see, the tram in Gothenburg is from Italy and of some reason they do not have enough windows that can be opened or any AC on them, in other words they are not adapted to the swedish weather. Every year is the same thing – the bus and trams get too hot and one can imagine the heat when a tram or bus is packed with people in 27 degrees heat. That bus or tram becomes a sauna and the difference between a sauna and a packed bus/ tram is that you sit down in a sauna and can walk out at any moment, but in the bus or tram – one cannot!

Why get up in the morning?

When there is nothing planned to do during a day, I wake up late (of course) and get the feeling – why should I go up from bed, when I do not really need to do anything. It is like I am convinsing myself to just stay in bed. I am actually not tired and absolutly do not need to sleep a single minute more. But somehow, I cannot find a good reason to get up! So I wonder, how do other people manage? I understand that people manage when they have a job or school, but how do they manage when they are unemployed or on a long leave? I starting to think I have some kind of mysterious sickness which controlls my lack of wanting to get up. It does not matter if the sun is actually shining and the heat is amazing (in Sweden), I cannot find the power to get up early becasue of that (which is weird when it ome to such a unique situation). As long as I have a job or something fun to wake up for, I manage, but as the situation is now, it is very hard and I am really trying to wake up early and go to bed early as well, with no luck. So, how should I think or do, to be able to actually takepart of the day?

What do you choose – moral or ethics?

I know some things about some persons in my surroundings that most people do not know or will never know for that fact either. These things are unusual. Not on the television but in real life. So what do I do? It is hard to keep some secrets of various reasons but I know I have to keep these secrets, to not lose my ethics. Even though I am losing my moral while keeping these secrets, I still keep my ethics. But what is the best thing to keep – moral or ethics?

its no time for a summer dress

The summer is here, or should at least be here. But every evening when the sun goes down the temperature fall down to utterly freezing. During days, there are of course moments which are hot and lovely but you still need to put on pants and proper shoes. I do sound like i am getting old right now, but i cannot take this cold and it hurts to see people in skirts and sandals. I am freezing and i am using full length pants and socks and a jacket. It is just sooo cold during the evenings and this summer is not at all like other summers, when people are sitting outside in the grass for hours. The city is empty of people and turned into a so called winter syndrome. I have been trying to get that summer feeling and even though the stores and shopes are filled with summer things, i really do not feel like buying any thing summerish. Loads of customers (where i work) buys water guns, which makes me wonder – where do they live? Or are they dressing their children in rain jackets before the water-fight? Brrr….I am just wondering, what should i wear for midsummer – rain jacket (as usual) or snow jacket?