When I lose my head
08 June 2009 mandag
These last months have been indescribable. I have (as we say in Sweden) lost my head so many times and acted like I never would have been acting otherwise. I have had so many things and projects in my mind at the same time so I totally lost control of everything. For example:
I forgot to bring extra medical equipment when I went away for 4 days which could have ended badly. Thanks to all the McGyver episodes I watched so much when I was young.
I also forgot my wallet, with all my important cards and money in my sommer house 3 hours drive from where I was when I realized it was gone. Thanks to my piggy bank I managed for a week without driving a 6 hours trip.
I managed to miss a dentist visit and a visit to my Diabetes doctor which is not only a hassle to re-book but I needed to pay for those missed visit as well. And in Sweden, medical visits cost – a lot!
I also forgot my handbag in a night club, in that bag were my glasses (which is very nice to use when working with the computer all the time). However, also in the handbag and what was maybe The worse thing, was that my favourite bikini was stuck in a plastic bag and was still soaking wet when I picked the handbag up 4 days later!! eyuuuu!
And finally, without realizing what I was doing called up my friend at 05.00, and that is not okey. What happened was that i was writing a message to her and obviously called her up, which i did not realize until the day after when she sent me an upset message. I would never call anyone at that time if there was no emergency, i just must have been to tired and pushed the wrong button, and i am so ashamed specially when looking at my recent call that day!
However, now I am poor, I am not in a hospital, I have my wallet and handbag back, I have apologised and I will not send messages so late anymore. I have no reason to stress anymore….I just need to find my head again!
Entry Filed under: Amandas thoughts
1. tcantril&hellip | 08 June 2009 at 21:56
Dear Amanda,
I must say, reading your blog at this out, being a bit tipsy ( i would say:)), but clearly understanding from where you are coming from. When I graduated in december, january turned into a month of spacelessness ( if this word exists). What next? A sudden breakdown. What shall you do with this so called master, official document?? I remmembered I had a break down myself. Just got back from Malta, straight into writing thesis and then blank, puff into reality. But where way my reality, the place and people i came back, SLovenia? Or in your case Sweden? Well, post travelling depression, or so called diplomat sindrom revailed more than I imagined…Sudden preasure from the surrounding friends, to settle down, serious job, panice, etc..I applied for jobs, I would have got then, was chosen for interview,etc..But, to have a serious job in Slovenia, where I felt more a stranges as an native person, there was a contract lying infront of me. No, I can not do it. NOt yet! My inner voice said, run away, explore, apply abroad..So I did. And I end up in another place among other people. I needed that, after such a crazy period of high speed I went throught the last 3 years. I need again neutral environment, to take is easy…So do you. You need now to go away, unknown, to think, have a break and to consume rationaly everymoment that has happen so far…Crises you are going through now, is something expected. Just look at your lfe in past few months..You moved abck to Sweden, started imidiatelly this Master course, plus dealing with personal life, appartment, money situation, having Jer in your life….Action all the time…Then passivness, friends that were not THE FRIENDS anymore, cause they just couldnt understand what is happening in your life. So no support from this side..Again..alone, struggle with past consequences ( Malta style of living, abroad,culture shock) and current. YOu can not blame your friend for not understanding, as well you cannot blame your self..It is normal. YOu are adopting to new life, environment..THings are never the same, and wont be, from the minute you lelf your country, your people..However, give your self a time, a time to again absorbe the climate you are living now. Sweden. Dont thing where you will be and how it will be. Try to make present bearable and future as a pleasant thought. Regarding the weather….its called clime change and global warming..( I am currently attending 14-day UN climate change conference, crazy I tell you, things one hear from the world experts makes you depresive!!!)).
So my dear. You just grauated..Give your self a break, abreak from not thinking anymore..Just swich off your brain for a while and look around you. GO and water your flower, say hi to the neighbour, exchange the word or two…Give a kiss to your mum, talk about the usuall stufff. Brain storming from the current situation…Release your tention and be happy you are not a victim of the abuse or facing flood in your home, being displaced or tourtured by someone..Be happy you have the life you life in. No life is perfect! Many would exchange and give everthing for what you or me have, but of course many of us would like to exchange with ´´the other´´ better life..I tell you. YOu aer luck, you live!!! Make it today and every day step by step the best day!!! YOu are Amanda, smart, smilling girl!! Be that, rise and shine. Think positive, smile!! Smile has 2 faces( at least): makes better your today and someones tomorrow!!
I love you very much, you are a very important person in my life. I always remember those special moments, talks we discused. I will always look upon you, as a great sister, where I can find a shelter and inspiration. I believe in your more than you do in your self!! I hope that will help you and lift your from your hard times you are going through!!!!
215 sister for ever!!! There are not borders, distences enough. I am with you whereever you are and you are sailing to.
I wish you satisfaction and smile!!! You are a nordick Sweden sun!! Keep on shining!!
From the deepest love,
Ursula